Discontent

It’s already nearing that endearing time of the year where it’s time to start figuring out what life and ministry is going to look like next year. It’s always a time of excitement as I dream about what might be ahead for me and how the Lord might use me, but it’s also a time of anxiety and really having to lean into the Lord.

And this time around, it’s also a season of discontentedness.

I loved my time in college getting to experience all of the different things I experienced and doing ministry alongside all of my classmates. I learned a lot about myself, what I’m good at, what I’m not good at, experienced close relationships and what the Lord is doing in different parts of the world. Whether it was East Asia, Madison, Panama City, North Myrtle Beach, or Boston, each place brought different kinds of people and different kinds of ministry.

And I loved my time in East Asia last year. Out of all the things I’ve done in my life, this was probably the experience and the season of my life that brought the most personal growth and taught me the most about myself. I loved the people there and it was a privilege to get to minister to them alongside all of the people serving there long-term.

But I still get the sense that there’s just more that God has in store for me, my relationship with Him, and how He wants to use me. There’s more power through His spirit than I’ve even begun to access. There’s more joy and adventure to being in relationship with Him than I’m currently experiencing. There’s just more out there somewhere.

I could write a book about what it probably looks like to seek each of these things out, but I think more than anything, my “discontentedness” stems from wanting to stay in one place for more than 10 months and to pour out everything I have into that community of people. To invest in those relationships, love and serve people well, develop people and help them to fulfill more of their God-given potential, and to know that I’m going to be there for awhile so that I can be as effective as possible.

This doesn’t mean I want to “settle down” and buy a house, have a two and a half car garage, and re-landscape around my new home because I’m going to be there forever. But I do desire to figure out how to be the best steward I can of the strengths and gifts I’ve been given, to find a place where I can live those out, and to pour all of my energy into utilizing those talents instead of trying to determine where and how to use them. Unfortunately, I’m sure this is something that will take years.

I have no doubt that God gives some people specific callings. I am not one of those people. At least not right now. In some ways I’m jealous of people who know without a doubt what the Lord is asking of them, but this usually requires great sacrifice.

I only know two things: That God is “calling” me to live out a life that will produce the greatest possible eternal impact, and that I’m getting married in April to a girl I have been called to love and minister to the rest of my life. I think that’s one of the main reasons I’m so excited for marriage. She’s not going anywhere, I’m not going anywhere, and I get to spend however long the Lord has put us on this earth for loving her with every ounce of energy He’s given me and investing in our partnership and ministry together.

Maybe that’s supposed to be my focus in this season of my life. To love her well, seek hard after the Lord, take things one step at a time, and wait until He appoints to me another task.