When I decided to follow Jesus a little over six years ago, I was certain that a boost in self-esteem was supposed to follow. And it did for awhile. Roommates told me I looked happy all the time, I was filled with a confidence that came from finding significant things to devote my time and talents to, and I finally felt like I was someone who was wanted and valued within my community.
But the longer I’ve been a Christian and the more I’ve read the Bible, it seems as if the whole self-esteem thing was a myth. In fact, one could argue that following Christ actually results in less self-esteem.
Take Isaiah. Do you think that after experiencing God and His glory, Isaiah left that interaction being more confident of himself and sure of his character and abilities?
And the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, and the house was filled with smoke. And I said, ‘Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts.’
About once a week, I find myself pretty humbled by my lack of ability as a musician, or as a writer, or athlete, or whatever. Why? Because when I experience people whose abilities and talents far outweigh my own, I realize just how short I fall and how incapable I am in the matter at hand.
So when Isaiah finds himself in the presence of, not just a man, but GOD, who is all-powerful, perfect, and "really really holy," his natural reaction is to feel “lost” or “ruined.”
It’s kind of like when I saw about 20 of the greatest living guitar players on the Experience Hendrix Tour and wanted to quit playing guitar afterward - only multiply that feeling by about a gazillion.
The Apostle Paul’s experience was evidently similar as he writes in Galatians, “If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself.”
My guess is, Paul didn’t get a lot of invitations at local high schools to be the featured motivational speaker. Thanks for the self-esteem boost, Paul!
And so I’ve experienced in life, that the more I see of God’s character and the more I experience Him, the more aware I am of my own sin and depravity. As Tim Keller says, “I am more sinful and flawed than I ever dared believe.”
But though these truths may deplete our earthly self-esteem, they also help us to see Jesus as more precious and valuable every single day. Because the greater our realization of our depravity, the bigger our view of the Gospel, and we’re also freed to fully put our trust and confidence in something much more significant.
Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn, and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom.
Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up. –James 4:8-10
As God becomes more real in my life and makes His presence felt, He absolutely shatters any pride or earthly confidence I’ve been holding on to. If I’m honest, it can be a pretty depressing and crappy feeling.
But it forces me to find my identity and value in who God has created me to be and replaces all of the things in my life that have the appearance of value and self-worth with His love and affirmation.
As it turns out, there’s more to that Tim Keller quote.
“…And I am more accepted and loved than I ever dared hope.”
I don’t put much confidence in myself these days, but that – that, I will put my hope in.
-CK
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