How much it hurts

This country seems to magnify everything.

Stress, personalities, shortcomings, sin...

And sacrifice.

After a little over three weeks here, it's become even more clear just how much I've had to give up or sacrifice to be here.

Let me get one thing straight. I'm not complaining. It's hard and it's painful at times, but I knew what I was getting myself into and I'm not complaining.

I could list all the things that've been hard, all the things that've stressed me out, or all the things that I miss about home, but again, that's not my intention behind writing this.

The hardest part by far is picking up and leaving a place where I see so many needs and leaving Amy behind for a year. But where most people weigh the options:

1) Fill a need here at home and stay comfortable, around friends and family, girlfriend

-OR-

2) Pick up and leave everything behind including the most important relationships in your life and enter a world filled with discomfort and inconvenience.

Call me crazy but I obviously chose Option 2.

But as the days pass, I've realized just how hard it's going to be and how high the cost of "going" really is.

For example, Amy.

Fortunately, the longer I'm here, the better our relationship gets and the more I like her. Unfortunately, that also means that it becomes exponentially harder to be here and away from her.

Believe me, if it was possible to be with her without taking away from what I'm doing here, I would be on the first plane home. But it's not...

And the cost of that truth, the patience it requires, and the physical discomfort or pain that sometimes results continues to increase day-by-day.

Don't get me wrong, I love the people here and there are a lot of enjoyable things about this country, but my family, friends, and girlfriend come first.

If I were here for ANY other reason, whether business, studying, or even to make myself a better person or to grow, it would in no way be worth it.

I'm here because God passionately loves these people, I love these people, and He desperately longs for them to have a relationship with Him and to experience the life that He intended for us.

And He sent his Son to prove it.

In a lot of ways, I kind of feel like the Apostle Paul in the book of Philippians. I realize this is FAR from a perfect analogy, but given my circumstances, I can relate to what Paul was talking about.

"If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me." -Philippians 1:22-26

*HUGE DISCLAIMER: I in no way mean to equate Christ in this passage with Amy or being back home. I'm only using this passage to make a point. I too, more than anything else in the world, long to be with Christ at the end of my life (and to walk with Him and experience Him in this life). However, God-willing, I am not at the end of my life. Paul was writing because he felt death approaching and his options weren't based on where he would invest his time but if he would be in Heaven with Christ or on earth continuing to do ministry.

I too am torn between two options. Two VERY good options.

But lately, instead of being stressed and discouraged about being so far away from home, I've started to look at things a little differently...

For instance, instead of looking at all the negatives, I've been convinced and amazed at how GOOD and FAITHFUL God has been to me. I get to go through this year with an amazing girlfriend and friends and family that are more than supportive, and I get to be a part of some of God's most amazing work in all of history! I have the best of both worlds!

The past three-four weeks and the next 9 months that I spend here are ABSOLUTELY worth the time that I have invested in it. And I am SO BLESSED to be a part of what's happening here.

In a span of only three days last week, I had the opportunity to share the Gospel with 15 students! I had opportunities to talk with a couple students who have even been struggling to read the Bible because they want to understand Christianity and figure out who this "God" is.

I had the opportunity to tell a student named "Gameboy" that, it is, in fact, possible to talk to God when he asked if it was true that I could communicate with Him. I got to tell him that he, too, could have Jesus as his "peng yo," his friend, and he could talk to Him anytime he wanted...and didn't even have to put his hands together when he did!

One student named Carl after learning that the Gospel was not based on good works and was instead based on God's gift of grace to us said, "[Christianity is] a little different than I thought!"

Students are beginning their spiritual journey toward a relationship with God and I, Chris Kopp, weak, sinful, unqualified, incompetent me, get to take part in God's love story with these students.

Where else in the world can I go out on campus and play basketball, football, frisbee, and ping pong to develop relationships and later in the day get to tell students who have never heard the Gospel about what Jesus has done for them and what He has done for me!?

Where else am I forced to CLING to God during every moment of every day because I'm absolutely convinced of the fact that I can't do ANYTHING here on my own?

It is for these reasons, and the deep and lasting relationships that are made here that it is worth staying. This country, and this "Cause" is absolutely worthy of a year of my life. It is the ONLY Cause that is worthy of my entire life.

One day in the not too distant future, a great crowd will be gathered around the Throne. I picture God asking those whose lives were changed as a result of this incredible time in history in this country to stand. Rising out of their chairs, people from every tribe, nation, and tongue will be represented because of all the people who served in this country, prayed for this country, or gave money to the work being done here and the profound impact that this country had on the nations for generations to come.

Christ has DRASTICALLY changed my life. I have gone from darkness to light. I have gone from depression to a life overflowing with fulfillment and joy. I have gone from a pitiful, mess of a person to, in God's eyes, one of His own children. I once was dead and am now alive.

And I will dedicate this year and the rest of my life to telling people that, whether in East Asia, America, or whatever other corner of the world He calls me to.

-CK

religion vs THE GOSPEL

I’m back after a lull in communication. You probably haven’t missed me that much…

We’re FINALLY doing some stuff on campus. The freshmen arrived on Monday morning bright and early for registration all day. We tried to meet as many new students as possible and had them fill out surveys with their contact information. We had intended on holding some sort of bigger event today that we could invite our new friends to but between the rain and their busy registration schedules, it didn’t amount to much. We’ll try again Thursday afternoon.

Things have been relatively normal lately. (Not having much news from me is good news in some ways.) No broken bikes, no broken toes, and no broken guitar amps (in fact, mine is probably fixable and BJ just bought a new one…we’re all set!).

We won’t start classes for another couple weeks due to the Paralympics taking place right now…we’re actually going to see Wheelchair Basketball tomorrow and “Visually Impaired Goal-Ball” on Sunday…not sure what to expect with the latter but it is guaranteed to be entertaining.

Not knowing the language hasn’t been as uncomfortable and frustrating as you might think so far. When we’re in this area and on campus we’re relatively isolated from having to test our Chinese skills (or lack there-of). In fact, on the campus I’ll be on, 4 out of 5 students speak very good English, and about 3 out of 5 speak well enough to have significant conversations at a heart-level. Their English will be better than our Chinese, hands-down, so there’s really not much of a point in trying to use it to communicate with students on campus.

Every once in awhile an AC repair-man or water delivery guy will venture into our apartment to do business…that’s when things really get interesting and our lack of language skills really shows. Otherwise, even in going to the store and trying to buy things, the little bit of Chinese that I know is enough to get-by. Even so, I’m actually looking forward to taking classes and trying to pick up the language. It will for sure be frustrating and boring at times but I expect it to be more applicable than 1^st-year Spanish in the States…mostly useless unless you happen to find yourself in a zoo or describing colors.

But don’t get me wrong, things aren’t completely comfortable here. The weather has cooled down considerably lately and it doesn’t feel that humid anymore but there’s still a weird “stickiness” to the climate that leaves you sweating just walking around and drenched in sweat after a game of ping pong. It’s hard to describe and I don’t quite understand it, but most days I’m covered in a film of disgustingness by nightfall.

Last night before bed I opened up my toothbrush container to find a large insect crawling onto my hand…I’ve since zipped up my toiletries. (Which is fine unless the insects have begun to nest in my traveling kit.)

But most of this I’ve just grown to expect and have gotten used to…even the little kids with their “split pants” (like a large “fly” in the front and back) who will pee or poop in the middle of a sidewalk or subway station…it’s almost endearing. Or the water delivery guy who when I told him I didn’t know Chinese and gave him a piece of paper to try to write out some numbers or instructions proceeded to fill the paper with Chinese characters…since I can clearly READ Chinese characters if I can’t understand or speak the Chinese language.

What I’ve loved about the country so far (and this is where things turn a little more serious)…and it might sound strange that I love this…is that many of my weaknesses and shortcomings (sin) are magnified and brought out.

You HAVE TO wake up each day and spend time with the Lord or you’ll never survive.

Just being here for these couple weeks has acted as a “spiritual greenhouse” in many ways for me. Things are being revealed about my character and my personality that I haven’t even begun to fix, but I’ve learned a lot about myself already.

Let me focus on one thing for a minute and I’ll be done:

While here, we’ve talked as a team a fair amount about

Religion v. The Gospel

And how one of our main goals as a team is to raise up believers who will not only be fruitful and multiply their lives but will learn what it means to live according to THE GOSPEL for a lifetime.

The tricky thing is that I myself many times don’t even live according to the Gospel.

I always thought I had put religion (rituals, things that must be done to earn forgiveness, acceptance, love) aside in favor of the Gospel, but as the regional director here in East Asia told us how each day he wakes up and naturally gravitates toward religion, I began to take a closer look at myself.

That night when I got home I read through a large portion of Exodus and the entire book of Galatians in The Message version (something I’ve started to do a little lately).

What I saw was a freedom and life of abundance, filled with love that I can’t fully comprehend or get at, but Paul clearly understood it and felt it absolutely essential for us to grasp.

I could go on and on about the things that jumped off the page at me in Galatians that never had before, but more than anything I realized that many times, I can be just as much into keeping rules and trying to earn my standing with God as the Jews were.

How many times have I read the Scriptures because it’s “the right thing to do?”

How many times have I shared my faith on campus out of compulsion?

How many times have I felt guilty about not praying as much “as I ought to?”

But Paul writes in Galatians 2:21:

“Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God’s grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily.”

If my personal walk with the Lord and my service to Him are not motivated by the Gospel and what He's done for me, I'm going to burn out by the time I'm 25.

Instead, I want to be so overwhelmed by the Gospel and the love of Christ that my gratitude spills over in a multitude of different ways.

The way I love my roommates. The way I love my team. The way I love the students here. The way I love my family. The way I love my girlfriend. The way I love myself.

Families are united, marriages are held together, and lives are changed - only by THIS kind of love.

My prayer for myself since getting here is that I would grow to love Jesus more and more everyday and would begin to comprehend more and more just what happened on the Cross and God’s overflowing love for me.

I appreciate what God has done for me but I don’t fully understand the depth of my sin and the depravity of my situation.

I don’t ADORE Him.

But the other night after reading through a large portion of Exodus again, that began to change a little.

I don’t have a smooth transition or a clever metaphor to share here, and this blog will end abruptly (if you made it to the end) but let me close with an excerpt from what I wrote in my journal last night:

“I’ve been reading through Exodus and feel like God’s used it to teach me a little about grace.

There were so many rules people had to follow it’s ridiculous. Sometimes I get frustrated with the Israelites like you do in a horror movie when the main character keeps making all these terrible decisions, but yet again, I’m way more like them than I care to admit.

Just like how they continuously did stupid things, I seem to do the same. Theologically I’ve known that I’m deserving of a spiritual death but it struck me how in the OT, I’m also deserving of a physical death because of the wickedness of my sin. In the same way, I am completely undeserving of life -period - let alone this life He has given to me that is filled with blessing upon blessing.

I wish I had a view of God that was as big and awe-full as people in the OT, a God who strikes you dead for certain sins because He can’t stand unholiness and the filth of our sin, a God who travels in a cloud of smoke and fire and instills and requires worship and fear. I wish I had a view of God that's like that yet completely convinced of His mercy and grace. I want a view of God like that.

I’m a long way from that, but I feel like I moved one step closer tonight.”

CK