Panic Attacks and Puking

It’s become abundantly clear the past couple weeks as I talk with fellow seniors that NO ONE has any idea what they’re going to do after graduation.

This, however, was apparently of little comfort to me as over the past several weeks I had been having minor panic attacks as I began to try to process through what the heck’s been happening in my life and what I’m supposed to do a year from now. This was accompanied by several terrible dreams and nervous knots in my stomach that made me want to puke, something I’d never experienced in all my years of performing and playing sports. The panic attacks, dreams, and knotted stomach have all subsided, but let’s just say I still don’t have things figured out…

I admit it’s ridiculous that I allowed myself to get so stressed out about all of this and put that much pressure on myself. Instead of being excited about the fact that I can literally do ANYTHING I WANT after graduating, I allowed myself to become preoccupied with just how I was going to find my way to the end goal that I have in mind for my life.

In 1 Timothy 6:17, Paul tells the rich to surrender their love of money to God and to put their hope in Him instead. As I read this, the story of the Rich Young Ruler quickly came to mind. Much like the Rich Young Ruler declined to give up control of his wealth to Jesus, I’ve been doing the same with…well basically, my life.

In my mind I think that I’ve gotten into college and through the past three years of my life completely by my own doing and that upon graduating I’m going to have to take some HUGE step of faith because that’s where God’s control of my life really begins.

But back in 1 Timothy 6, Paul goes on in verse 19 to explain why surrendering their wealth to God is so important; “SO THAT they may take hold of the life that is truly life.”

“The life that is truly life” doesn’t seem very specific, yet it jumped off the page at me as I read it. Unfortunately all too rarely do I get my clumsy self out of the way and allow God to fill me with “the life that is truly life,” but I have become an expert in what “the life that is truly life” is not.

It is not lying in bed every night worrying about how this, that, and the other thing are going to work out.

It is not becoming so overwhelmed and preoccupied with how my future is going to play out just the way I want it to that I have a hard time breathing.

And it is certainly not becoming so concerned about the end goal when I’m 21 years old that I want to throw up and completely miss out on what God wants to do in my life RIGHT NOW.

Instead, I think it maybe looks a little more like this:

“I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered ME faithful, appointing ME to his service.” -1 Timothy 1:12

God could probably care less about what career I choose or what organization I end up working for. As far as I know, when I meet Jesus face to face, He’s going to be more concerned with how I lived my life for Him and used the talents and abilities that He gave me to further His kingdom than if I made my living as a plumber, airline pilot, or rapper.

In no way did God intend for me to feel the weight of what I’ve felt and concern myself with the things that I’ve concerned myself with. He instead offers me strength and the affirmation that I long for in preparing me to find life in fellowship with his Son and in doing the work that He has prepared for me to do.

It blows my mind not only that God considers ME faithful to carry out his work, but that I don’t have to worry about what I should do with my life.

If I follow close to Him and concern myself more with daily pursuing Christ than figuring out where I want to be in 20 years, I will undoubtedly find the good works that God has had in store for me since before the beginning of time.

That being said, I think I’ll take a deep breath and enjoy my last year of college. It’s going to be a good one…